


Missing You Hurt So Much

by Anxiouslykitty



Series: The Broken Hearts Club [1]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Makeup Sex, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: Chrisjen realizes she missed Cotyar...
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala/Cotyar
Series: The Broken Hearts Club [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008975
Kudos: 4





	Missing You Hurt So Much

Chrisjen wasn't mad at him anymore. She hadn't been mad at him for a while, but she'd never told him that. There was no reason for letting him continue to believe she hated him. It just seemed easier for a long time to know that he was always thinking about what had happened and his role in it. It was cruel she knew that, but she hoped one day he would forgive her. 

She wasn't at all surprised at herself when he was the first person that came to mind when she realized she was going to need more private protection. He was good at what he did and nobody would be more determined to keep her alive than someone who already had a life on his conscience. What did surprise her was the feelings she had once he agreed to work with her. 

Seeing Cotyar standing there in her office looking over a hand terminal, Chrisjen was overcome with memories. They had been close before Charnapal died. They had been more than close actually. She had put all that behind her when his mistake was the reason that Charnapal was killed. She had told him she hated him and never wanted to see him again. She had even said she had wished he was dead instead of Charnapal and he had shocked her when he said he wished that too. Now standing here she felt such a mixture of the love and care she had for him and the anger and pain she had for Charnapal's death. The most surprising thing she was feeling was the overwhelming arousal at having him so close again. 

All day Chrisjen had been trying to reconcile her feelings. It wasn't like she hadn't had these feelings of arousal for Cotyar before. Charnapal had introduced her to Cotyar and it didn't take long before their relationship became more than that of a mother and her son's friend. Shortly after she met him they started an affair and it carried on until Charnapal died. She had gone out of her way and pulled strings to see him as often as she could. Her attraction to him had felt intoxicating. Now the feeling was back and it scared her a bit. 

Chrisjen crossed the office and stood in front of Cotyar. He glanced up from the hand terminal before returning to reading the terminal. She gently placed her hand on his hand that was holding the terminal. He looked up at her with his brows furrowed. She placed her other hand on his cheek and gently rubbed her thumb against his skin. His brow relaxed and his eyes lit up with the desire she remembered so fondly. Cotyar leaned down a bit and stopped, giving Chrisjen the ability to close the gap or not. 

Everything felt intense. Chrisjen's body hummed with desire and excitement. She closed the gap between them and placed a gentle kiss on Cotyar's lips. It felt so familiar and intense she moaned. Cotyar deepened the kiss causing Chrisjen to take her hand off his and grip his shoulder to remain balanced. Cotyar threw the hand terminal onto the nearby chair and wrapped his arms around Chrisjen. Chrisjen slipped her hand from Cotyar's cheek into his hair and pulled gently. A deep moan came from Cotyar and Chrisjen could feel her panties dampen with her arousal. She had missed this...she had missed him.

Chrisjen broke the kiss gasping for air. They rested their foreheads against each other both panting. His hot breath mingled with hers and she knew she needed him. She slipped both hands down until they rested on his chest creating a gap between them. Her head spun and she was surprised by the lack of control she was feeling. She wanted to feel his body. She wanted to feel him inside her. She shuddered at the memory of him filling her. 

Slowly Chrisjen pulled away walking to the door. She could feel Cotyar watching her. When she reached the door she leaned her forehead against it and placed both her hands on the door. She wanted this so badly, but she knew it was wrong. Arjun had vaguely known before that she was having an affair, but now he would know nothing. Most people had left for the day and only her security were probably still around. She slid her hand to the lock and flipped it. She turned so that her back was against the door and looked at Cotyar across the room. 

"Take your shirt off" Chrisjen ordered. 

Without hesitation Cotyar removed his open button down and then the t-shirt underneath. He was no longer the young man she had been with, but still his body impressed her. His muscles were well defined and his skin was smooth. Chrisjen pushed off the door and met Cotyar halfway. Their limbs tangled as their lips met dramatically. Cotyar pushed his tongue against her lips asking for permission to enter. She parted her lips and moaned as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. 

Without separating their lips Chrisjen maneuvered Cotyar until they were in front of the small couch. She broke the kiss only long enough to push Cotyar to sit on the couch. She straddled his thighs and ran her hands up and down his bare chest. Cotyar reached up and ran his hands into her elaborate hairstyle. He joined their lips again and began taking her hair down. As his tongue fought with hers she felt his hands expertly remove the copious amount of pins from her hair. When she felt it fall down her back she sighed into his mouth. She could feel him smile. 

Warmth rushed into her lower abdomen as Cotyar broke the kiss to drag kisses along her jaw. Her head leaned back allowing him to kiss gently along her neck. She rolled her hips down against him and he moaned in response. She ran her hands over his arms and into his hair. She touched any part of his body she could as he moved his gentle kisses from her neck to the small section of skin that showed at the top of her outfit. One of his hands palmed her left breast and squeezed causing her to roll her hips again. Cotyar slipped his hand under the fabric of her outfit and began trying to remove it. Chrisjen grabbed his wrists and pulled them away.

“Don’t” Chrisjen whispered.

Cotyar tried to move his hands back to the fabric and Chrisjen stopped him again.

“I want to see you,” Cotyar pleaded.

Chrisjen leaned her head against his, putting her mouth next to his ear. The closeness felt so familiar she wanted to cry. She realized suddenly she might actually be crying. It embarrassed her that even during something she wanted more than anything that her body would betray her like this. She nuzzled closer to Cotyar and she knew he could feel her tears against the side of his face and neck. It had been a long time since they had been together. She was shocked at herself, but she realized that she was scared to let him see her again. She wasn’t the woman he had been with before. She was scared that he would take one look at her without her clothes on and not be attracted to her anymore.

“Please don't,” she whispered, almost weeping.

Cotyar placed a kiss on the part of Chrisjen’s neck that was closest to him and ran his hands down until they were both placed on her waist. Gently he urged her to sit up on her knees. Chrisjen’s heart stopped. Was he really pushing her away? Was she right that he wouldn’t want to be with her after all this time? She felt tears slip down her face and she was embarrassed at this bizarre display of emotions.

Then she felt Cotyar’s hands brush from her hips over her butt and down her legs until he had the fabric of the bottom of her dress in his hands. He pulled the fabric up until it was around her waist and he slipped his hands under the fabric and onto her waist, mimicking the hold he had on the outside. He looped his fingers in her underwear and began dragging them down. She had to awkwardly move to allow him to pull the underwear off and throw it away. While she was up she slipped her hands to his pants and began unbuttoning them. His hands came to help as he lifted himself a little off the couch so she could pull his pants down. She pulled his underwear with the pants and with nothing in its way his penis stood erect.

Cotyar repositioned Chrisjen so she was straddling his legs again and lowered her so she was sitting on his spread thighs. He slipped his hand under her dress and found the damp curls and gently ran his fingers through them. When his fingers found the small bundle of nerves he was looking for Chrisjen gasped. He grabbed the back of her head with his free hand and pulled her down into a kiss. As he kissed her passionately he gently ran two fingers from her bundle of nerves to her entrance and back again. He repeated this motion spreading the moisture around until he felt that she was wet enough. Chrisjen rocked her hips every time Cotyar brushed her clit and moaned at the desire for more contact.

Without warning he slipped a finger inside her and she cried out in surprise and arousal. He stopped and broke the kiss looking into her eyes for reassurance. Chrisjen put both of her hands on the side of his face and pulled him back to kiss him passionately. She rolled her hip against his hand and moaned deeply. Cotyar took this as encouragement and began slowly moving the finger inside her. After a bit he slipped a second finger in and she tightened her muscles around him. She wanted him so bad that it hurt. She broke their kiss and threw her head back panting.

“I need you inside me,” Chrisjen begged.

Chrisjen gasped at the sudden loss of Cotyar’s fingers inside her. Then she felt the tip of his penis brush from her clit down to her entrance. She could feel him teasing her entrance and she wanted him inside so bad that her whole body burned. Then he lined his penis up with her entrance and grabbed her hips. Slowly he lowered her down on to him allowing her to adjust to the feeling of him filling her again. She moaned long and deep as she felt her body stretch to accommodate him. It felt like the best thing she had experienced in a long time. It was so different than when she was with Arjun and she felt guilty for thinking about him with another man inside of her.

All thought of Arjun slipped away as she began to slowly move her body up and down. Cotyar kept his hands gently on her waist meeting each of her downward motions with a small thrust of his own. She wasn't as wet as she would like to be, but without lube this was the best she could do. She didn't particularly care about the friction as the pleasure began to build up in her abdomen. Slowly she began to pick up the pace rolling her hips forward when she came down to rub her clit against Cotyar. 

Her breaths came out in small pants and she was embarrassed briefly at how out of shape she was. Her thighs were cramping and as good as it felt she was having trouble keeping up her rhythm. Chrisjen fell forward leaning her forehead on Cotyar’s shoulder. She felt him place a few gentle kisses on her neck. Cotyar tightened his grip on her waist and began slowly pulling her down on him to meet his increasing thrusts. She forgot how good he was at knowing what she needed. She wiggled and moaned as the pleasure began to overwhelm her. 

As Chrisjen’s orgasm washed over her she threw her head back arching her back. Cotyar continued thrusting as she rode out the waves of her orgasm. She screamed out and Cotyar put his hand over her mouth causing another wave of pleasure to wash over her. At the same time she felt Cotyar explode inside her and she cried out into his hand. Slowly he stopped thrusting and she relaxed forward onto him allowing him to release her mouth. She ran her hands into his hair and kissed his neck as he ran his hands across her back holding her tight to him.

“You’re beautiful,” Cotyar whispered. 

Chrisjen was mortified when she felt tears running down her face. She had never cried so much in front of Cotyar before. She hadn’t shed a single tear when she sent him away after Charnapal died. Now afer the best sex she had had in a while she was crying while he was still inside her. She covered her face with her hand and buried herself in Cotyar’s neck. 

“I missed you” Chrisjen croaked.

Tears began to fall rapidly down Chrisjen’s face and she struggled to suppress a sob. She clutched hard to Cotyar’s shoulder with her free hand as she felt herself shaking. In one swift motion she felt Cotyar pull out of her and roll her off his lap onto the couch. The sob escaped her as she felt him pull away from her. Cotyar quickly cleaned himself up and pulled his pants up. He sat down next to Chrisjen and pulled her back up on his lap like a child. He cradled her in his arms and she tucked herself into his body as she sobbed.

“What’s wrong Chrisjen” Cotyar asked gently.

“I don’t know” Chrisjen choked.

She really didn’t know why she was crying. Everything just felt so overwhelming. She really had missed Cotyar more than she realized. She missed being with him and feeling him and loving him. She also felt horrible about betraying Arjun and the memory of Charnapal. The more she cried the more embarrassed she got which made her cry more. She really didn’t want to be crying.

“It’s okay,” Cotyar encouraged. “I missed you too and I still love you.”

Chrisjen sat up a little so she could see Cotyar’s face. She wiped the tears from her face the best she could. She knew she must look a complete mess, but she didn’t care. She gently stroked the side of Cotyar’s face and gave him a weak smile.

“I’m not the same woman I was,” Chrisjen whispered.

Cotyar gently slipped a hand behind Chrisjen’s head and pulled her down to meet his lips. He kissed her softly before letting her go. He wiped the remaining tears from her face and placed gentle kisses all over her face. 

“She’s still in there,” Cotyar encouraged.

“What if she’s not” Chirsjen asked.

“I still love you,” Cotyar declared.

He kissed her passionately, pulling her into his body as tight as he could. She let him slip his tongue in her mouth and tried to melt into the embrace. The warmth filled her as she stopped overthinking and focused just on Cotyar. The way his tongue felt in her mouth and the way his hands held her tightly. How safe she felt in his arms and how whole she felt when they were joined. Chrisjen broke the kiss and held Cotyar’s face in her hands so they were looking into each other's eyes.

“I love you,” Chrisjen declared.

Cotyar slipped his hands up and copied Chrisjen by holding her face with both of his hands.

“I love you too,” Cotyar said.


End file.
